Sunday, November 29, 2009

the ending

I talked to him yesterday and I got my ending. My closure. He thought we were good friends and I like hanging out with him. But were never really friends, he was just a big flirt; just somebody who didn't think about what he says. He told me it was clear that we hang out as friends but what so clear about this:
"I can give you a ride if you want."
"Yes I want"
"But there's a condition."
"A kiss."
"What, you always ask kisses from your friends?"
"Nope, to you only."
"Huh, why?"
"Oh c'mon you know."

I told him this and he said, "It was a joke, you holdin' that against me?" Yes, asshole. I'm holding that against you, you jerk. Do friends say things like that? Do friends say:
"I'm attracted to you."
"I haven't even kissed you yet and you already had the colds?"

And he says, all of this, is either a joke or something he didn't think about. He told me, "This is the last time I'm going to apologize. Take it or leave it."

Ha! The nerve! He has the gall to give an ultimatum! But there's no ultimatum. I won't take his apology, I won't leave his apology. I don't need a half-assed apology. I don't need a guy like him. I don't need him as a friend. He can go away; and the world will keep spinning and I will not die. I will miss the times we hung out because he was kindof fun but everything was a lie. He told that I was acting like we broke up. But isn't that the case? We're ending a friendship. A friendship that didn't exist in the first place. A pseudo-friendship. There's nothing real in it. It was all a joke, or something he didn't think about. It was not a real friendship; it was not authentic.Who was I fooling? How could I hope for so much? I see it now. I feel it. The acceptance that it will never work out. The acceptance that a real relationship and a real friendship stems only from real and authentic people.

I feel numb. I feel quite alright, actually. The closure was good for me. I realized that I had to let it out. I had to tell him. I learned the hard way and it hurt. But in the end of the day, its good that it all ended. At least a weed was taken out from a field of grains. If I had stayed with him, my spirit will die. He will hurt me and I will let myself be hurt. I will wilt and waste away.

But now, we went our separate ways. No hard feelings for me. He thinks I have hard feelings but I don't. We're just, not friends.

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