Tuesday, November 17, 2009

leave if there is nothing

"Sometimes, love would ask you to leave if there is no love."
Sometimes, you may love the person but you may find yourself not in a loving relationship, or perhaps not in a relationship at all but I was in love anyway. Sounds cheesy, I know. You may feel that I may be too young to know that but I do know. Is there any use denying it? Would it go away?  It wouldn't. I've been in love once after-all. I denied the feeling and it didn't go away.

And here it is, that feeling again. That "kilig" feeling. That mushy, shuddering-in-delight feeling that puts butterflies in your stomach. That something that makes your heart beat faster and your smile brighter. Together with this seemingly perfect feeling of euphoria and happiness comes that painful feeling of angst and despair that would probably leave you feeling decimated. When that person hurts you and you feel that you cannot take anymore. This painful feeling that cannot take anymore confusion and asks you to leave. That painful no-to-bullshit feeling that asks you to walk away. That painful feeling which feels equally like that "kilig" feeling; only, imagine yourself turned upside down. It puts butterflies in your stomach as well.

Same feeling, yet different. I had decided to turn my back, to leave. I do not know if I would turn back around. Isn't he the one who left first? And now I want out too. The decision to turn my back hurts and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My chest hurt and I wanted to cry. And so I did. I cried as I wrote this entry. I cried as I thought of how to put my feelings into words while still trying to make some sense. I cried while I checked my spelling and my grammar. This is called the life of a heartbroken multi-tasker. Thank god I still have my humor. If I had lost that as well, that would be another thing to cry about. I cried while the background music from Myx channel played crappy love songs. How ironic.

If it happens that he wants somebody other than me, then so be it. But he can't have me. I know my worth and I won't lower myself to that of something like his last resort. If I am his choice then I should be his first and only choice. My heart is not a game. I am not a game.

Let's not bullshit each other. If you want me, then come and get me because I certainly won't come to get you.


Jeca said...

Hear hear! :) I should have been there while you were a heartbroken multi-tasker. Must be a sight to see! Hehe! kidding. We'll talk about this more when we see each other. Hold tight to that heart for now. HUG!!

Paige said...

A real sight. Crying + thinking+ typing + making sense. Ahahaha

Ian said...

I think I need a refresher on what's going on :)

Paige said...

Ian - LOL I thought I was making sense but I was probably wasn't. Haha There's this guy who kindof uhm, broke my heart and all that. haha Just describing how I felt and all that. LOL

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