Saturday, December 5, 2009

the masochist

I'm such a masochist. Dammit, I'm in it again - in that whirlpool of love and hate. You know, when you have this feeling that you love and hate this person at the same time. We're not friends. I don't want to be friends with him, and at the same time, I want to be friends with him. But the real question is: Do I want to remain just friends?

I'm such a masochist. We're not texting and messaging each other as much as before but I still see him to hang out with him. I hate it. What I'm doing does not help me move on with my life. It just makes me hope more, just to get disappointed again.

I'm such a masochist. How could I do this to myself? Now, I want to cry again because I saw him and I felt that butterflies in my stomach again. I want to cry because I have accepted that he's such an ass and I'm such a bitch, and that we don't suit each other at all. I want to cry because I have accepted that there will be no "us".

I'm such a masochist. He thinks were good friends, and I think we're "not really" GOOD friends. I keep telling myself he's just a guy I hang out with but is that really the case? Its so hard. I want to cry because I'm confused about my feelings. I want to cry because I want to ignore him but I can't completely do it. 

I'm such a masochist. Could I let go and not see him? I'm in a damn-if-you-do-damn-if-you-don't situation. It would hurt me to completely erase him out of my life, and it would hurt me to keep seeing him while I feel this way about him. I want to cry and my eyes are watering because I can't make a decision and I know that by refusing to make a decision, I'm already making a choice. I feel like whatever I choose - my "yes", my "no", my "I don't know" would make me end up on a bottomless cliff. I can choose any of these but at the end of the day, I'll still go back to him.

I feel like I'm falling on a bottomless cliff. No complete ending, what a total masochist.


hypermom said...

Paige! Don't be too hard on yourself. At least, you are aware of your situation and you accept it. Hindi ka in denial. Mas mahirap kung in denial ka pa rin. Acceptance is the first step. Makakawala ka rin dyan. Don't worry.

Paige said...

Hay tita, I want to get out of this mess. This muddy mess that I made but its such a beautiful mess, I'm not really certain if I really want to get out of it. Pinapagulo ko pa lalo ang buhay ko by hanging out with him still.


Jeca said...

Paige. Didn't know you love him this much.

Paige said...

Oh Jec...

Erika said...

This doesn't necessarily mean love, Jec.

Paige, do you?

Paige said...

No comment muna ako. LOL

hypermom said...

Temporary insanity lang yan bwahaha

Paige said...

Hypermom - I hope so. I really hope so. At least I can be sane again soon. LOL

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