Friday, March 6, 2009

the frustrated IS achiever wanna-be

I have decided.

I will take DDR's class for next term and I will not drop it. I will not screw up and I will succeed on making him like me enough so he can be my mentor for my thesis.
- a confession from a frustrated IS achiever wanna-be (in short, ME!)

There's a substantial possibility that I might fail but the fear of failure is the hindrance to success, is it not? I said before that I fell in love with IS (International Studies - I'm majoring in European Studies) but if I don't take this risk, how will I challenge the idea of whether I really love IS or not?

You see, there's this professor from our department whom most professors - wait, please allow me to rephrase that - whom all professors in the department think highly of. In fact, he's already considered a god - of what, I do not know. From what I heard, besides teaching in English and Filipino, he can teach in French, German, and Spanish. If you put a knife on his neck, I bet he can teach in Italian. I don't know if he speaks Portuguese as well but from what I heard, he does. I do not know which planet he came from. He must be from the lost world - from Atlantis. He's a brilliant man, and I want to learn from him but I know I am taking a great risk.

To tell you the truth, I'm scared. I'm terribly and utterly scared shitless. I haven't felt this way since I was five - the first time I watched a horror movie. That quote about the fear of failure being the hindrance to success is bullshit. I'm just saying that so that I won't be upset by the possibility of failing. I'm scared to fail, I'm scared to disappoint my family, I'm scared to disappoint those who have high expectations of me, and most of all, I'm scared to disappoint myself because I know that if I fail, it would be my fault. I'll know that the reason I didn't make it was because I wasn't good enough or didn't try hard enough.

Despite all this, I have this hunger to learn from him. The sense of danger only sweetens the pot but that doesn't change the fact the I'm so scared I'll be peeing on my bed for the rest of my life (knock on wood! *knock knock knock*). I need to do this. This is a quest for knowledge - which is of course, another bullshit.

Dangers, possibilities, failures, bullshits, or whatever, I will take DDR's class.


Shawn said...

Go for it! The knowledge that you tried and failed is much more easily live-with-able (?!) than always thinking "I wonder if I could have..."

StillThinking said...

Good luck! I know change really scares me, but I never regret trying.

By the way, the new layout is very readable! Looks great!

HalfCrazy said...

Oooh, very intriguing Professor! If I were you, I would be wanting to do the same thing too; enrolling in his class, maybe get closer so he can share some... secrets? Tips and tricks? LOL. But yes, it's great to have a mentor to guide an apprentice! You go girl. You can do it.

Also, I think the reason "Didn't try hard enough" is much valid than "Wasn't good enough." Anyone can be better at something if they try hard enough!

Much Love,

Reisha said...

who's DDR?

JecaOnline said...

I love your entries Paige! I'm sure you will do good in anything you put your whole mind and heart to. So go for it! :) mwuah! Let's talk soon!

Paige said...

thanks for commenting shawn, stillthinking and halfcrazy

reisha: all dlsu IS majors know DDR! he's like a god! from my description on my entry, can't you tell?

jec: yes lets talk soon..

Reisha said...

I know Dr. Alfredo Robles. Is he that one?

Paige said...

Reisha: yes, yes.. I'm kinda trying to not say his name but oh well.. yes that's him

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