Saturday, October 7, 2006

They say Be Happy, but oh hell, I'm not Jollibee

Ever felt like breaking down in a crowd?
I did.
Whenever I’m depressed, I don’t feel like going out. At first, I didn’t know why I would want to be isolated and be away from people. But then one time, when I went out and went to the mall to meet someone. And that someone made me wait for so long. I was in a crowd and I was alone, and I was depressed… oh, darn, it felt like fire in my eyes. It was a good thing I brought my bumble bee glasses, I was covered... Whoever the inventor of sun-glasses was, I was very thankful he created it. I bow to whoever the maker might be.
Last Saturday, my first break down was in the bathroom... I just felt like crying. And I know that its depression kicking in...
Anyway, I did have a nervous break down. Yes, another nervous breakdown. I guess that’s how you call it. And would like to guess where I had it? In church - yes, in church, where there’s a lot happy people…
I wanted to cry in the mall but I was able to control myself. But in church, when I got to the comfort room, tears started to sting my eyes, I pulled myself together and whew, I didn’t lose my composure. I guess staying outside of home too long when you’re depressed is a bad idea - No private time.
Anyway, when I went up to the balcony to attend the service, I saw our female youth pastor in the café. She called for me and I went over to her. She asked me how I am and I felt the burning in my eyes again, but I fought for a smile and I won it. I smiled and said I’m fine. I’m a bad liar, and I know that, but I guess she fell for it and believed me.
Before something went wrong, I went away immediately. I can’t enter the sanctuary (the place where the service is held), because I’m really losing it so I stopped by the door and fought for my life, my sanity.. “Not here, not here…” Then my female youth pastor, Pastor Grace, whom I was to get away from, went by me to the sanctuary. She called me again, and asked me if I’m going in now. She circled her arms around my waist and great! Now, I’m really losing it. She asked me that I looked like crying and asked me if I wanted to talk; she has some girl with her at my age. I just nodded; I didn’t say anything, so not to lose it all. She asked the girl to go ahead, I went at the spot where there were tables and chairs and sat. Then, I lost it. I cried. She hugged me and maybe that’s all I needed; somebody to hold me and tell me I’ll get through it, that’s its going to be alright.
I’ll cut the details here, what I told her, blah blah blah..
Whatever you’re thinking; I’m not pregnant, I’m haven’t had sex, I’m not in a relationship and anything like that whatsoever.
By the way, I knew the rules of blogging, but I told you to read this entry at your own peril from the very beginning..
You could’ve skipped this if you liked.

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